Mothering Multiples

I am a mother of twins....

my boys are fraternal twins and they will be 13 years old next month.

My boys are precious, and I can't imagine life without them!

 

This is me being brutally honest about my experience mothering multiples.

It's not a "happy and uplifting" story.

But I am not about pretending I am perfect....at least not anymore...LOL

I learned that with age...and being a mother of multiples.

I am sure many will read and think I am the worst mother....

I am just me.


 

So... to be perfectly honest, I was not thrilled when I found out I was having twins.

In fact, I thought the OB/GYN was joking at first...

there are no twins anywhere in my family...

sadly (at the time) he was not joking.

I already had two daughters, ages five and two,

and I thought long and hard before deciding to have a third.

I could handle three....ONLY three...

I was all about order, being organized, being in

CONTROL

Surprise! I was going to have four!


 

It was a very difficult pregnancy.

Let's just say many pure iron injections, blood transfusions, fractured ribs,

and a pregnancy related heart condition later (just to name a few),

I gave birth to twin boys at 39 1/2 weeks who weighted in at almost eight pounds...

EACH.

 

Mothering twin babies is overwhelming....

at least if you are like me and could not afford a nanny, baby nurse, or cleaning lady.

Both my daughters slept through the night by a month old...

I was sure the boys would too...NOT....try about 10 months.

In my true form, I went into my situation thinking,

"I can do this all by myself"

WRONG

Also true to form, I thought to myself.

"asking for help would mean I am a failure"

WRONG

My twins were born in October and by February,

my parents had an "intervention" with me.

I would not ask for help, so they forced it on me....

THANK GOD.

 

I was so sleep deprived, I was beyond functioning.

I was also recovering from a post-partum depression.

I felt like a total and complete failure.

My Michigan mom stayed for a week and while I literally slept for a week,

she did laundry, cooked, did the shopping, fed babies, changed babies,

and carted girls to school and to activities.

Virginia Mom found a college nursing student to babysit five afternoons a week 

so I could sleep, run errands, or...sleep.

Virginia Mom picked up where Michigan Mom left off when she flew home,

and somehow we made it through the first year.

Unfortunately, I don't remember much of it.

 

Once my boys were born,

I loved them beyond belief and could not imagine life without twins.
They were pure joy.

But it was an adjustment.

Financially, it was a massive strain on our budget to have two babies...

all of the equipment I already had...I had to buy more of...

a crib, high chair, car seats, stroller,

of course I had boys so none of my baby girl clothes would work!

Friends and family were extremely generous,

and we had just about everything we needed by the time they were born.

Between the monthly pampers and formula expenses,

I could have been making a car payment on a Mercedes convertible.

Learning how to grocery shop pulling one cart with one baby in it,

while pushing one cart with another in it was an acquired skill.

(there is MUCH more baby equipment for twins today than when I had mine)

 

Many people passed judgment.

"You should really keep a better eye on your children"

when I had the twins outside playing and one boy is running in one direction

and the other is running in the opposite....into the street.

"Why aren't you nursing them?"

when I had one in my lap with a bottle while holding a bottle for the other in a infant seat

(I would switch half way through so each could be held during a feeding)

"You really should not dress them alike so they can learn to be individuals"

as I dressed them alike until they were toddlers because it was easier to keep track of two that way.

I did the best I could.

I was not perfect.

 

I went to a mothers of multiples support group once, when the twins were about six months old.

I was excited to meet a group of woman who could empathize with me and my situation.

BIG MISTAKE

I am sure most groups are amazing and offer a lot of support.

Unfortunately, the one in my area was full of VERY affluent women,

many of which were THRILLED to have multiples because they had had fertility issues.

The room was filled with perfectly well rested, well dressed, well manicured women,

who were all sharing information about their nannies, their housekeepers, and their cooks.

I left in tears.

I felt like a dumpy, frumpy, hot mess compared to those women!

What was wrong with me?

NOTHING

(I know that now)

 

Before I found out I was having twins,

I planned to savor EVERY moment of having a baby...

 

I LOVE LOVE LOVE babies and knew it would be my last.

Sometimes I still mourn the loss of that precious time,

because I honestly have very little memory at all of their first year.
In fact looking at pictures is sometimes painful because I feel like I missed a lot.
 

 

My early experience of mothering multiples is clearly

not a glamorous story.

It's kind of a sad story.

But I would not change a thing.

I ended up learning a lot about myself.

I grew up a lot.

I learned what is really important in life.

I felt the pure love of my family, friends, and church family.

I learned I am stronger than I thought I was.

I learned it's ok to be weak.

I learned to let go.

I learned to hold on.

  

I learned that my girls would not die if they did not have a bath every single night,
I learned that lipstick and a baseball hat was appropriate grocery store attire,
I learned that no one would stop growing if mac-n-cheese was IT for dinner.
I learned that I did not need to iron every dress for school (yes I actually ironed my girls clothes).
Somehow, I had a picture in my head of what being a "perfect" mom was...
and it was unrealistic, unattainable, and I was "failing" at something that no ONE person could do.
It was hard to let go of my "standards"
REALLY HARD.
I still struggle with it at times...
I mourned the life I thought I was going to have,
and gradually learned to embrace the life I actually had.


 

While I don't have many memories of my boys for the first couple of years,
 the memories I do have are happy ones filled with joy and love.
My story of mothering multiples may sound quite depressing,
but it has truly been a gift in too many ways to mention...
in addition to the gift of having two amazing sons...of course!
See my post here to experience some of my twin's shenanigans...LOL.

 

 

 

 

 I do know that I did something right that year...

and the next, and the next, and the next after that...

because here I am almost 13 years later

and I have FOUR children

who are

kind-hearted, loving, honest, spiritual, trustworthy, self-confident,

smart, well-mannered, talented, funny, empathetic,

and most importantly,

HAPPY.

 (my babies)
 

I am still learning.

 I am not perfect.

But I am perfectly ME.

Many thanks to my Virginia parents and Michigan parents,
who have ALWAYS been there for me,
and who continue to provide me unconditional love, enormous support,
 and "mercy missions" when needed.
I love you.